The McSkunkville Police Department · Bern, Switzerland

The road to Bern is long, but the ledger travels light. These days, letters postmarked Bern sit in the town's welcome drawer, and The town ledger lists Bern among friends.

The MPD Charter is one page, framed over the booking desk, and it reads like a rebuke to every department that ever forgot it: every warrant carries a judge's FULL LEGIBLE NAME and title; every proceeding gets a certified record; no bond blank is ever filled before a defendant stands in front of a judge; and every officer's bodycam runs from clock-in to clock-out — not because the town distrusts its police, but because the police refuse to be distrusted.

THE SQUAD, by badge number: Chief Constance 'Connie' Fairbanks (Badge 1), who taught constitutional law at the College of Law before she ever wore a shield and still grades her officers' reports like blue books. Sergeant Booker Reeves (Badge 2), the bodycam sergeant, who can recite Terry v. Ohio from memory and does, gently, to rookies. Detective Ida Marlowe (Badge 3), evidence and records — her chain of custody has never been broken, and she logs it in ink. Officer Pearl Whistler (Badge 4), the community beat, who knows every porch light by name and has never once needed her handcuffs. Officer Tell Truman (Badge 5), traffic — who will never, ever stop a soul for riding center-road on a county road, because that is how everyone must drive those roads to survive them. And Officer Denny Okafor (Badge 6), the night shift, Dr. Okafor's nephew, who walks the square at 2 a.m. so nobody else has to.

K-9 MIRANDA, the department's black-and-white shepherd, barks exactly twice at every arrest — once for the right to remain silent, once for the right to counsel. The rookies swear she counts.

Department motto, stenciled on both cruisers: PROTECT · SERVE · PROVE IT.

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